Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Not Being Rejected Enough

Yesterday I whined about the fact that I was being rejected after applying a short story workshop. And it hurt more when I found that my friends got accepted. It felt like I wasn't good enough as they are.
However, then one of my friends that was accepted posted on his social media, that this was the first time he could make it after rejected times ago.

Then I think that... those friends might have dealt with rejection times, over and over, more than I. But they kept trying while improving themselves. And their hard work have been paid off now.

People always look at other's success but not at how much failure they did before they got their success. Thus I think I might not be rejected enough because this one failure shocked me. I haven't tried enough yet. I'll keep trying until rejection and failure won't hurt me anymore.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Failure is Sickening Me

I just wasn't accepted in a short story workshop that I really want to. DAMN.

It's bitter when you found your friends got accepted and you're not. And you start thinking "what made their short stories were accepted and mine wasn't???"

FYI I sent them two short story. One once won a regional contest. The other once published in mass media.

So why???


I don't care whether whining of my own failure just makes me pathetic. Every one has their own damn shit.

I'm a bit tired. These rejections keep coloring my steps to be a writer. Or maybe I wasn't rejected much enough that this felt like a pang in my heart.

While parents had their own theory why I was rejected: "I didn't pray enough."


FYI one of my acquaintance had not wore her hijab anymore. Her writing career even starts blooming after that. I didn't say that putting off her hijab makes her a good writer. What I mean this thing is only related to your own ability.

Oh damn. Those people who damn rejected me, In the future, they will just regret it. I'll be so sparkling in the future that I would laugh at those people, saying "Ha, don't you remember you once rejected my works???"

Sunday, November 16, 2014

DANG IT! When Will I Learn???


I know I can't work as illustrator or editor or writer if I only work based on my mood. And I really learn it the hard way.

I'm trying to involve my self in a charity project of children book. As and illustrator. I think this will be a great debut.

BUT I wrecked it in the last minute.

The editor asked me to submit on 5th November. At night. Heck I know I couldn't do that. As I've just recovered from my translation work.  But I said I will try to do that.

DANG IT! Why I always do that? Whenever I think I can't do the work or I'm not sure about the deadline, why can't I just say no, and ask for more suitable deadline?

DAMN ME. I'm depressed now.

In fact. I was fooling around. Editing my novel, drawing another things A LOT. I couldn't catch the mood though I love the short story really much :( :( :( Oh My God.

So from 5th November till last night, I had just did the work. I didn't sleep for that. God, mercy ><

And I think this was my debut.

Last night she mentioned me in the group. I didn't dare to come coz I was still sketching at the moment.

The illustration was given to the other illustrator. Worst was, I know the illustrator and he was kind enough to me. I wonder if he would still care and be kind after this embarrassing incident.


And it was in front of people. Though the writer of the story liked my work enough and asked me politely to revise.

I'm cursed. I'm damned. By my self.

I asked for apologize to the editor. She didn't reply me. OF COURSE? I never responded her until now :( OH GOD.

And I tried to save my ass to the illustrator I know. Asking whether he had finished the illustration of not.

He didn't reply either. OF COURSE???

Now I really look like a jerk. Failing miserably to save my ass. So basically I didn't sleep last night for nothing...


Now I have try another way to look for illustration job. I don't think I would appear in the group for moment. Maybe it would take years for them to forget about the incident. Though I'm sure the editor and the illustrator won't forget about it. EVER.

Why? Why? Why? I should fix my way of communicating with people. God.

Well...actually my acquaintance from a newspaper was calling me to meet him as he wants me to show my works so he could find some suitable cover illustration jobs for me. The payment is little, About 10 $ per cover. But I think I could learn this opportunity to learn. A lot

And my parents have warned me not to mess up again...

Well... I try.

I wonder if there's other professional illustrator who once learnt the hard way like me. Like missing the deadline and upsetting the client. It's good that I'm not paid for the project. It's only the charity project. "ONLY".

But still... I feel so hurt inside.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I wanna Love My Self

I wanna love myself. Coz now I kinda hate myself. I hate my weakness. And hate how I'm too drifted to fix it back.

Fix me. I wanna be fixed.

Is hating yourself is a kind of sin?

*Just a random ramble of my OC, Mikoto Harukaze

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Not Moslem Enough

I  was born in a Moslem family. I'm raised in a Moslem family. Couldn't tell whether we're religious enough, but my family are quite fanatic with our faith (in a good way). 

Still I'm feeling like kinda drifted away. At heart. Deeply I feel I'm not Moslem enough. Yes I wear veil outside. I don't date non-mahram man. I don't consume drug. I don't act thievery nor adultery (naudzubillah...). I don't do gambling. I don't consume haram food. But are they enough?

There's so much you have to consider to be a real Moslem at heart. Have you kept your eyes from looking at improper things? Have you kept your mouth to from saying improper things. Have you kept your brain from thinking of improper things? Have you kept your heart from keeping improper things? How many orphans have you taken care? How many times do you repent for your sins in one day? How much have you allocated your money to those who really need it? How much energy have you allocated to help others who need you? Even to the point of how many times do you smile to others? How many people feel at ease with your existence?

It's so strange, that I'm afraid of God's wrath and punishment, but I'm still willing to do certain sins, even when I know that IT IS a sin. What's wrong with me? My faith and believe is not strong enough to avoid myself to do certain things?

My parents keep whining about how liberal I am on their eyes. How I'm so fond of consuming un-Islamic things like anime, comic, or western movie or un-Islamic songs and music rather than deepening my knowledge of Islam. Sometimes I think it's not fair. Since they keep demanding me to do those things, but do they really learn about Islam?

Even my father can't read Qur'an and haven't learnt about it seriously until now. While he's turning 51.  He kept saying, "I'm too old enough." and "I'm too tired." at least I have had you already to learn all of those. It's so hard to ask my mother to go to halaqah when I was still active in it (I don't do halaqah anymore).

And if I start complaining about things, both of them will offense me by questioning my observance. They keep questioning about my prays. Compared me to my sister, while I know that she's not that better from me. I mean. SHE IS DATING SOMEONE! And my parents let her be. How fair is that?! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Somehow I feel more unmotivated to do observance whenever I'm in home coz my parents keep criticizing about that! ARE THEY GOD? ARE THEY ANGEL?! HOW COULD THEY SAY HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE GOD WON'T ACCEPT MY OBSERVANCES WHATSOEVER???


I once lived with my oh-so-religious uncles and aunts in their city. I even skipped my own college graduation day, coz they won't let me go home. Am I being more religious after I'm spending my times with them? 

Maybe I got more knowledge than before. BUT I HATE THEM! I don't even want to see their faces anymore during Aid El Fitr. That supposed to be holy day for Moslem is torturing me now. I don't wanna see them. Last year I was staying at home, didn't wanna to see the rest of them. Not until they ask for apologize for real. I even had done it before so why can't they? Because they think they're perfect? Because they think they're richer? DAMN

Good. Now they're thinking they're much better than my family. Do they even realize what makes Lucifer was kicked out from heaven?

I'm tired. Deprived. Worn out.

I'm tired of how some my relatives think I don't deserve love.

My friends never treat me like that. And then my parents would say that because they don't know my nature for real. They keep saying my friends will instantly hate me if they stay with me for one day.

Am I that unloveable??? What did I do???

God though I keep hating myself, will you always love me? No matter how many sins I do and I regret, will you still keep in your path?

I'm used to pray about so many things after doing prays. Asking about more money, more love, more friends, more enjoyable things, more materially mundane things like those. But now, I only have one simple pray everyday:

"God...whatever and however I run my life, please let me die in Islam. Please keep this faith inside of me. Please please please. Please... Even though I'm still deeply keep this hatred towards my family, please let us meet in peace, no more hatred in the better place after love."

Not that I blame my family for my own sins. My own sin is my own sin. My own conscious is my own conscious. My choice is my choice. And my repentance is my repentance. I just don't wanna hate myself.

No more

It's hurt to hate yourself...

Really hurt...

When will I ever healed? 

Monday, October 13, 2014


Yep, the announcement result had just come. I got the award of most amazing background. Though I'm still huffing for not getting the 1st prize (hahahah how narcissistic I could be?), at least I'm still grateful than the last. And the fact the committee still appreciate my drawing pleases me. The most exciting is of course this drawing had delivered me a bunch of watchers. I could tell that some of them beginning to be a loyal watcher and always come back to my newest art. Gooooood thing ahaha

Also, this makes me become more confident in polishing my background drawing skill. I will draw with more complex background I promise. So I could open commission at DA finally :D

Yeeaaay, I'm so happy :D

Friday, October 10, 2014

72 Hours to Finish This Drawing

Hmm too tired to type anything. Just click the link below if you really want to know what does this artwork means XD

I'm joining a contest again. So basically after I finished the drawing in this picture http://mikotoharukaze.blogspot.com/2014/10/just-when-result-comes.html on 30th September, I was going Spartan again to finish the drawing above on 5th September. The good thing of joining contests in DA is, mostly the committee are living abroad, in countries with a long long gap of time difference. Hehehehhe... So I basically finished the drawing in tomorrow morning of the deadline (6th September), which was 5th September at night in the committee's time area.

Now I'm just waiting for the result. Hopefully I'm lucky this time. Not like the last time. Grrrgggh. Still the committee haven't decided the winners yet. Which is could be a good thing, meant that they really try to judge it properly. Not like the previous contest I joined, in which the winner was announced 1 day after the contest ended. *fuck. As if they actually had already the winners on their minds. Urgh.

And now I still have 2 drawings to finish on 14th October. Plus 50 pages of translation for 14th October. Zzzzz... I do really have a busy happy life, don't I?