Sunday, November 16, 2014

DANG IT! When Will I Learn???


I know I can't work as illustrator or editor or writer if I only work based on my mood. And I really learn it the hard way.

I'm trying to involve my self in a charity project of children book. As and illustrator. I think this will be a great debut.

BUT I wrecked it in the last minute.

The editor asked me to submit on 5th November. At night. Heck I know I couldn't do that. As I've just recovered from my translation work.  But I said I will try to do that.

DANG IT! Why I always do that? Whenever I think I can't do the work or I'm not sure about the deadline, why can't I just say no, and ask for more suitable deadline?

DAMN ME. I'm depressed now.

In fact. I was fooling around. Editing my novel, drawing another things A LOT. I couldn't catch the mood though I love the short story really much :( :( :( Oh My God.

So from 5th November till last night, I had just did the work. I didn't sleep for that. God, mercy ><

And I think this was my debut.

Last night she mentioned me in the group. I didn't dare to come coz I was still sketching at the moment.

The illustration was given to the other illustrator. Worst was, I know the illustrator and he was kind enough to me. I wonder if he would still care and be kind after this embarrassing incident.


And it was in front of people. Though the writer of the story liked my work enough and asked me politely to revise.

I'm cursed. I'm damned. By my self.

I asked for apologize to the editor. She didn't reply me. OF COURSE? I never responded her until now :( OH GOD.

And I tried to save my ass to the illustrator I know. Asking whether he had finished the illustration of not.

He didn't reply either. OF COURSE???

Now I really look like a jerk. Failing miserably to save my ass. So basically I didn't sleep last night for nothing...


Now I have try another way to look for illustration job. I don't think I would appear in the group for moment. Maybe it would take years for them to forget about the incident. Though I'm sure the editor and the illustrator won't forget about it. EVER.

Why? Why? Why? I should fix my way of communicating with people. God.

Well...actually my acquaintance from a newspaper was calling me to meet him as he wants me to show my works so he could find some suitable cover illustration jobs for me. The payment is little, About 10 $ per cover. But I think I could learn this opportunity to learn. A lot

And my parents have warned me not to mess up again...

Well... I try.

I wonder if there's other professional illustrator who once learnt the hard way like me. Like missing the deadline and upsetting the client. It's good that I'm not paid for the project. It's only the charity project. "ONLY".

But still... I feel so hurt inside.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I wanna Love My Self

I wanna love myself. Coz now I kinda hate myself. I hate my weakness. And hate how I'm too drifted to fix it back.

Fix me. I wanna be fixed.

Is hating yourself is a kind of sin?

*Just a random ramble of my OC, Mikoto Harukaze

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Not Moslem Enough

I  was born in a Moslem family. I'm raised in a Moslem family. Couldn't tell whether we're religious enough, but my family are quite fanatic with our faith (in a good way). 

Still I'm feeling like kinda drifted away. At heart. Deeply I feel I'm not Moslem enough. Yes I wear veil outside. I don't date non-mahram man. I don't consume drug. I don't act thievery nor adultery (naudzubillah...). I don't do gambling. I don't consume haram food. But are they enough?

There's so much you have to consider to be a real Moslem at heart. Have you kept your eyes from looking at improper things? Have you kept your mouth to from saying improper things. Have you kept your brain from thinking of improper things? Have you kept your heart from keeping improper things? How many orphans have you taken care? How many times do you repent for your sins in one day? How much have you allocated your money to those who really need it? How much energy have you allocated to help others who need you? Even to the point of how many times do you smile to others? How many people feel at ease with your existence?

It's so strange, that I'm afraid of God's wrath and punishment, but I'm still willing to do certain sins, even when I know that IT IS a sin. What's wrong with me? My faith and believe is not strong enough to avoid myself to do certain things?

My parents keep whining about how liberal I am on their eyes. How I'm so fond of consuming un-Islamic things like anime, comic, or western movie or un-Islamic songs and music rather than deepening my knowledge of Islam. Sometimes I think it's not fair. Since they keep demanding me to do those things, but do they really learn about Islam?

Even my father can't read Qur'an and haven't learnt about it seriously until now. While he's turning 51.  He kept saying, "I'm too old enough." and "I'm too tired." at least I have had you already to learn all of those. It's so hard to ask my mother to go to halaqah when I was still active in it (I don't do halaqah anymore).

And if I start complaining about things, both of them will offense me by questioning my observance. They keep questioning about my prays. Compared me to my sister, while I know that she's not that better from me. I mean. SHE IS DATING SOMEONE! And my parents let her be. How fair is that?! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Somehow I feel more unmotivated to do observance whenever I'm in home coz my parents keep criticizing about that! ARE THEY GOD? ARE THEY ANGEL?! HOW COULD THEY SAY HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE GOD WON'T ACCEPT MY OBSERVANCES WHATSOEVER???


I once lived with my oh-so-religious uncles and aunts in their city. I even skipped my own college graduation day, coz they won't let me go home. Am I being more religious after I'm spending my times with them? 

Maybe I got more knowledge than before. BUT I HATE THEM! I don't even want to see their faces anymore during Aid El Fitr. That supposed to be holy day for Moslem is torturing me now. I don't wanna see them. Last year I was staying at home, didn't wanna to see the rest of them. Not until they ask for apologize for real. I even had done it before so why can't they? Because they think they're perfect? Because they think they're richer? DAMN

Good. Now they're thinking they're much better than my family. Do they even realize what makes Lucifer was kicked out from heaven?

I'm tired. Deprived. Worn out.

I'm tired of how some my relatives think I don't deserve love.

My friends never treat me like that. And then my parents would say that because they don't know my nature for real. They keep saying my friends will instantly hate me if they stay with me for one day.

Am I that unloveable??? What did I do???

God though I keep hating myself, will you always love me? No matter how many sins I do and I regret, will you still keep in your path?

I'm used to pray about so many things after doing prays. Asking about more money, more love, more friends, more enjoyable things, more materially mundane things like those. But now, I only have one simple pray everyday:

"God...whatever and however I run my life, please let me die in Islam. Please keep this faith inside of me. Please please please. Please... Even though I'm still deeply keep this hatred towards my family, please let us meet in peace, no more hatred in the better place after love."

Not that I blame my family for my own sins. My own sin is my own sin. My own conscious is my own conscious. My choice is my choice. And my repentance is my repentance. I just don't wanna hate myself.

No more

It's hurt to hate yourself...

Really hurt...

When will I ever healed? 

Monday, October 13, 2014


Yep, the announcement result had just come. I got the award of most amazing background. Though I'm still huffing for not getting the 1st prize (hahahah how narcissistic I could be?), at least I'm still grateful than the last. And the fact the committee still appreciate my drawing pleases me. The most exciting is of course this drawing had delivered me a bunch of watchers. I could tell that some of them beginning to be a loyal watcher and always come back to my newest art. Gooooood thing ahaha

Also, this makes me become more confident in polishing my background drawing skill. I will draw with more complex background I promise. So I could open commission at DA finally :D

Yeeaaay, I'm so happy :D

Friday, October 10, 2014

72 Hours to Finish This Drawing

Hmm too tired to type anything. Just click the link below if you really want to know what does this artwork means XD

I'm joining a contest again. So basically after I finished the drawing in this picture on 30th September, I was going Spartan again to finish the drawing above on 5th September. The good thing of joining contests in DA is, mostly the committee are living abroad, in countries with a long long gap of time difference. Hehehehhe... So I basically finished the drawing in tomorrow morning of the deadline (6th September), which was 5th September at night in the committee's time area.

Now I'm just waiting for the result. Hopefully I'm lucky this time. Not like the last time. Grrrgggh. Still the committee haven't decided the winners yet. Which is could be a good thing, meant that they really try to judge it properly. Not like the previous contest I joined, in which the winner was announced 1 day after the contest ended. *fuck. As if they actually had already the winners on their minds. Urgh.

And now I still have 2 drawings to finish on 14th October. Plus 50 pages of translation for 14th October. Zzzzz... I do really have a busy happy life, don't I?


Friday, October 3, 2014

Just When The Result Comes...

OK, what do you think of the art above? Don't be shy. Just tell me what do you really think of this artwork? I'll consider it as a constructive criticism.

I'm so upset now. Heavily upset. The artworks above, I made it for a contest on DA. But I lost of course. That's why I'm upset. This posting would have different mood if I didn't. I wonder what's wrong with this artwork. I though I was doing a great job. The concept, the pose, the background, all of them were nearly killing me.

And to think that I spent almost a week to finish this one. So it was a week of insomnia. I almost died of sleep deprivation. Sigh... And to add the salt to the wound, just after I finished drawing this, my boss texted me, saying that I should have sent her the translated draft for her client. I was so surprised, thinking that it should be submitted the day after. She DID say I was given a week for the translation, and it means tomorrow. And I had not done it at all yet. And it was 30 pages of translation for my God's sake. Usually I will just sleep to recharge after I spent a lot of energy for an artwork (especially after contest). But that time I couldn't choose I have to finish 30 pages of translation for our dear customer. SHIT!

So I translated them in a rush, 30 pages for 2 days? I must have supernatural energy. So I added two days of insomnia for my poor body. It's done. And I wait for the payment now...

And the result has just been announced tonight. It was so FAST! So terribly fast. I mean, to think that you could judge that many entries just for one day??? And I'm sure she didn't mention that she had other judge besides her (maybe that's why I LOST hah). So it's personally 100% so subjective judgement. I'm sure that she only judge based on the level of cuteness. Bias cuteness! I think I will hate all the moe and loli things in the world now!!!

Take a look at the entries and the winner's entries here:

I always compared my works with other contestants, and I felt really confidence. Most of them just cute. Mine had a background story inside. I once said that my trait is I always inserted story background in my arts. And that what I was doing.

I'm really upset. To think that I lost to digital artworks again. But then I realized that the 2nd winner was done hers traditionally. In pencil color. Just like mine... Okay, Hers was smooth shading. Really smooth. And she could add "volume" in her background.

But...still! It's just cute. I dunno... I might be possessed by devil jealousy now. I sincerely hope that one of my watchers or just random viewers would question why I didn't get any place for the contest (did she win because she came from the same country of the owner of the contest???). Okay, Envy. Burn you to hell.

Well I just predicted that the 1st winner would get her prize. And had considered the 3rd winner as heavy competitor. I still couldn't understand about the 2nd winner. Hufff...

If only I would know that my luck would be terrible bad, I wouldn't try that harder. Even neglecting my real life was too much. I'm upset. Have I told you about this? I'M U-P-S-E-T! UPSET!

It's so ironic that all the contests I had won until now, I never spent more than 2 days to win it all. And just when I dedicated all of my hearts, I lost. Pfuuu... Life, you're SUCK.

But nothing I could do against it. Over is over. I will just train myself again and make the girl who neglected my works regretted it! HRRRAWWWRRR

Well actually the good things also comes after I posted the artworks. It gave me a bunch of new watchers. And one of them now becoming my internet buddy. Finally I have a net buddy from Finland! Yeeay! XD Many people commented there, and appreciated my works. So to entertain myself, I would say that my hard work had been paid off even the owner of the contestant didn't tehehehe

I wonder if she would read this posting in the future hehehehe...

Now I'm having contest marathons till November, I'm so busy in creating something. I will win them all! That's the spirit girl!

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Wedding Photographs...

I've just found out that my cousin has married her Christian boyfriend...

I have just seen their wedding photos in her social media. Yes, they are married in Christian ceremony. I saw my uncle was smiling in the photographs and I wonder what really in his mind at that time...

And I couldn't feel anything but churn in my stomach...

and nope me and my parents were not invited LOL. Even if we were, we couldn't come coz the ceremony was held in other island. So far from what we lived. I wonder... the only time she called her father was when she wanted to marry her boyfriend...

At least she still remember to ask for her father blessing...
at least she still remember that she still has a father...

We've been drifted apart for so long...

We were so close in our childhood. We often played together in holiday. She often stayed at my house. She was so imaginative so we often shared stories...

Despite the fact that my parents didn't actually like me to play with her. Saying the she was actually a sly kid who just used me for her advantage... And I was too naive to realize... I don't know... I only remember few of my past childhood.

But I remember how she "attacked" me with my other cousins (in physical fighting).

She always bragged about how popular she was in school. How brilliant she was in English. How she joined modern dance activity, and etc.

And I just keep listening, because I need a company. So if she was using me for her advantage (to get cakes from our grandmother since I'm her favorite grandchild) or etc, so maybe I was using her to ease my loneliness...

I don't know. Feelings weren't so complicated when we were so young...

The last time we contacted each other was when we both graduated from high school. Both of us were in Language Program class, though we enrolled in different school. My mother said she actually looked me down and envied me coz I was enrolled in a favorite school which is considered to have higher level than her. I really don't know.

Then I envied her of being so much livelier than me... Practically we're tied each other whenever holiday time come... But my parents always despised her, due to her upbringing, her trouble brother, etc...

I don't really understand even until now. Mom said once she made me stole some fruit from our neighbors then put all the blame to me (though most of my family chose to side with me coz they knew I was too innocent to have such a plan)... I wonder why it seems like I didn't have bright childhood times.

Why those exciting kid stories didn't work for me? Where's those fun childhood friends? Those fun cousins? Etc etc etc... It took long period for me to know and feel the word "FUN" for real in my teenage time...

After we both graduated, her mother divorced from my uncle. That was the first time I learnt the word "divorce" for real. And I didn't understand at that time. Nor I could feel emphatic towards her situation. What did I understand? My parents are a happy couple. None of my family have been divorced before... What should I do?

The only thing I know that her mother went with another man.

Once she told me that her mother tried to make her stole the house certificate from my uncle. Fortunately, despite how bad she was on my parents' eyes, my cousin still had clear mind to reject the request.

"I know that my mother was the one who is guilty in this case..." she told me...

I was speechless... What should I do? She then swayed the conversation towards other direction. Now that I'm thinking about it, how could she act so casual? How could she was still cheerful at the moment? Why did she tell me? Did she actually wish me to say something about it? Did she test my reaction? Did she want certain empathy from me?

I dunno...

Coz I was too busy with my own social life. With my unknown restlessness in school, and in everywhere... So I just sat, listened, and made my eyes wider after she told me the story...

Did that make me a jerk???

Now that I'm thinking about it, we were always close but maybe the reality was not like that. She never trusted me with her real feelings. She never shared her real feelings with me. She just told me the bright side of the story, expected me to be a loyal listener.

Did I hate her?
Do I hate her?

I dunno...

Coz we just shared the past memories together...

After we both graduated from high school, I continued my life by enrolling to an English Department of a favorite University. Still with my own problem. I was wore up psychologically. I had my own new environments, I had my own new friends, and my own new problems...

Basically we never be for each other. Have I ever told her about my loneliness? Don't remember. Maybe our childhood together was not that impressive...

I felt like she once told me that she wanted to get into a university. The fact I heard she was smart enough at school. But she never got into. It was because of her family problems. Now that her parents lived separately she had to choose. And seemed like she choose her mother. My uncle got married to another woman who had already a daughter... (the one that I felt much kinder and sincere).

And she lived in other island to work, the place where she met a Christian foreigner that is now becoming her husband.

My families were in such uproar coz they heard she lived with that man before even engaged. They said she dare to post her photos in bikini for public. And my families stamped her as a naughty girl...

Long times later, suddenly I felt I really care, then I asked her FB contact from my uncle. I got it. What my families said about her is true. She was so daring in those photographs. I contacted her, and seemed like she didn't forget about me. We had some long chat, and it felt like just when we were a kid...

I said I'm gonna draw my short story character after her. And she said she liked that idea... I was hoping I could approach her by online. That we could share and talked about our ideas no matter how different they were...

I still remembered how mad my father when he knew I friend her on FB. He said that will make my maternal family know about her. Know about her relationship with that Christian foreigner, and know how dare she was in those bikini photographs...

I was sad. But I'm still going with my own decision. I wanna friend her. I wanna to strengthen our ignored ties... I wanna.... I wanna.... I wanna touch her heart...

But my plan was broken. Something happened to me. I fell down and had to be hospitalized due to certain issues. And I had to fight my own condition during my final thesis... And suddenly the world was only about me. My problem had worn me out, I couldn't think about anybody else. I shut myself, tried to climb up once again.

Even until now I'm still fighting with my own condition. I could say that I'm much better now, I have to be very careful.

And that was the end of our story.

I didn't finish my short story, nor I didn't finish the drawing of her...

And looking at her wedding photos, I think, "Nothing I could do... As long as they are happy...

As long as they are happy?

Is that just enough?

We've been drifted away... so away....

I didn't want to judge her. It's her choice, and certain events including the painful ones had led her to choose this choice. I could say she had been working hard to be like this now (despite the news I heard that she only contacted my uncle when she needed money).... But who knows her heart? Do we have any right to judge her while seems like we never to be with her.

Is it time? Is it distance? Is it fate? Will our family ties still hold on?

I hope she is happy.

And I hope in the future, she would be happy in the way God will feel happy for her....

I wish... she still could get back

But how?

I don't have any idea...

So I wish you're happy, my cousin... You're so exotic on those wedding photographs...