Sunday, November 16, 2014

Relation With God vs Relation With His Creation

I learn it many times, that if my relationship with God is messed up, I will mess my relationship with His other creations. Be it animals, my parents, or my friends. ALL.

Like my last translation job. Frankly, I did the job while listening to R18 anime CD (from soundcloud), and reading some yaoi manga. The result? The deadline is over-whelming. I lost a plenty time to sleep. And didn't get 30$ of payment coz the client was kinda "using" this to fool my boss (which he didn't pay other 3 translators who even finished the job on time). My boss was upset and say that I destroy her. Also I can't imagine about 3 other translators.

So now I have 4 other muslimah feel the grudge upon me. God please mercy. And fill their lives with joy and happiness coz I can't.

Yes, I'm a fujoshi in denial. And I curse those artists who deliberately draw yaoi manga/anime for fun and for money. They drag people like me down with them. God please give them mercy until they realize the harm of their jobs, or if they wouldn't realize it, please take their abilities to draw. It's better than if they use their hands to create miserable things for that.

I'm trapped in shounen-ai/BL/then finally yaoi manga since I was junior high school! I always try to stop, but only in the moment. I repent and repeat my sins continuously. I wonder, God is still not fed up of me. Please....

Guess what, maybe this is the first time I openly admit that I'm a fujoshi, who curses other fujoshi and especially the yaoi/BL manga/anime artists. This is my darkest secret and I felt ashamed. My fujoshi-ness level increasing when I got into college, when I start to enjoy Korean Pop! And my first BL fanfic to read is about Changmin and his gang.

And until now, I'm still trapped in that hell. Going stop and repeat back and forth. The level still increasing. I could say my favorite is NSFW and bondage! DAMN! I learn so many words I don't need to know. You could never learn sex education from pornography. Never.

Moreover, the effect is just worst than if you're addicted to drug. You could make the elements of drug out from your body with a hellish effort and also expensive, and in a long period. But pornography??? No.

You will bring the memory deep down to your grave. And you will know the effect, when you try to stop. Unless if you get a total amnesia. 

My friend jokingly said to me that I should watch gay porn movie so I will get a shock therapy. No way. The yaoi manga is worst enough, I don't need to add it with other hilarious memory. Yeah I never watch hentai or yaoi which is moving -_- So my highest level is the manga, but not the anime, either the movie.

God I really need to stop. Every time I did this kind of sin, I felt my chest is burning up. Like there's a snake inside it. I could say that my bipolarity is caused by those graphical porn, besides extremely lack of sleep. I couldn't enjoy them fully. I always feel guilty. And ashamed, as I betray my identity as a Moslem. I collapsed due to bipolarity, and mostly was caused by porn.

Bad spirit loves porn you know. And they will possess those who have the same hobbies as theirs. My friend was kinda like that. She loved watching porn movie. And got possessed miserably. She paid her sins by teaching the orphans. Now she had married and had a kid.

I'm still closing myself towards any teaching job coz I don't think I meet the quality of being a teacher. A fujoshi teacher. My bad spirit will affect the children. I will feel more miserable. Though I know I'm capable to teach and explain something to others till they understand. Maybe the thought shouldn't be that way. Maybe I should be like my friend. Teaching the orphans or the poor. So I will given a mercy in the end.

I just hope I could get the chance and won't mess it up again. I need to learn how to take responsibility. So I could overcome my bipolarity.

Until now I don't dare talking about marriage or loving a man. Coz I'm ashamed with my eyes. My eyes and my mind have miserably lost their virginity. I couldn't imagine how I will do sex with my partner once I'm married, with those horrible memories of man anatomy. I had to describe my condition graphically, so you will be able to warn your sisters, friends, or children about the horrible hell a fujoshi like me experiencing.  Pornography is the most evil way to crush the humanity and next generation. Google them, if you don't believe in God and bad spirit enough, you could get many scientific facts for that.

God, save Japan from their lewdy way of life. How many people rape others or how many people crush their education, their life, their family after consuming their lewdy products? And it's kinda backfire though, if you really know how terrible the Japanese's social life now. Low level of marriage, teenage do sex before married. Rape, sexual harassment, committing suicide. Yeah, Japanese had paid their doings very expensive. Not to mention the continuously disasters among them.

This is the earth of Allah. If you didn't believe that, please go seek another earth that doesn't belong to Allah. 

I really want to vomit. The hurt in my chest is unbearable, And it could only be eased by praying on time and reading Qur'an. I wanna vomit. I hope in the end I could vomit a snake who have resided inside my chest. I really want to vomit a snake and be freed from those who possessing me.

DANG IT. It's adzan now. I have to go to pray. Seeking mercy. My chest still hurts for the last incident in other posting

DANG IT! When Will I Learn???


I know I can't work as illustrator or editor or writer if I only work based on my mood. And I really learn it the hard way.

I'm trying to involve my self in a charity project of children book. As and illustrator. I think this will be a great debut.

BUT I wrecked it in the last minute.

The editor asked me to submit on 5th November. At night. Heck I know I couldn't do that. As I've just recovered from my translation work.  But I said I will try to do that.

DANG IT! Why I always do that? Whenever I think I can't do the work or I'm not sure about the deadline, why can't I just say no, and ask for more suitable deadline?

DAMN ME. I'm depressed now.

In fact. I was fooling around. Editing my novel, drawing another things A LOT. I couldn't catch the mood though I love the short story really much :( :( :( Oh My God.

So from 5th November till last night, I had just did the work. I didn't sleep for that. God, mercy ><

And I think this was my debut.

Last night she mentioned me in the group. I didn't dare to come coz I was still sketching at the moment.

The illustration was given to the other illustrator. Worst was, I know the illustrator and he was kind enough to me. I wonder if he would still care and be kind after this embarrassing incident.


And it was in front of people. Though the writer of the story liked my work enough and asked me politely to revise.

I'm cursed. I'm damned. By my self.

I asked for apologize to the editor. She didn't reply me. OF COURSE? I never responded her until now :( OH GOD.

And I tried to save my ass to the illustrator I know. Asking whether he had finished the illustration of not.

He didn't reply either. OF COURSE???

Now I really look like a jerk. Failing miserably to save my ass. So basically I didn't sleep last night for nothing...


Now I have try another way to look for illustration job. I don't think I would appear in the group for moment. Maybe it would take years for them to forget about the incident. Though I'm sure the editor and the illustrator won't forget about it. EVER.

Why? Why? Why? I should fix my way of communicating with people. God.

Well...actually my acquaintance from a newspaper was calling me to meet him as he wants me to show my works so he could find some suitable cover illustration jobs for me. The payment is little, About 10 $ per cover. But I think I could learn this opportunity to learn. A lot

And my parents have warned me not to mess up again...

Well... I try.

I wonder if there's other professional illustrator who once learnt the hard way like me. Like missing the deadline and upsetting the client. It's good that I'm not paid for the project. It's only the charity project. "ONLY".

But still... I feel so hurt inside.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I wanna Love My Self

I wanna love myself. Coz now I kinda hate myself. I hate my weakness. And hate how I'm too drifted to fix it back.

Fix me. I wanna be fixed.

Is hating yourself is a kind of sin?

*Just a random ramble of my OC, Mikoto Harukaze

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Not Moslem Enough

I  was born in a Moslem family. I'm raised in a Moslem family. Couldn't tell whether we're religious enough, but my family are quite fanatic with our faith (in a good way). 

Still I'm feeling like kinda drifted away. At heart. Deeply I feel I'm not Moslem enough. Yes I wear veil outside. I don't date non-mahram man. I don't consume drug. I don't act thievery nor adultery (naudzubillah...). I don't do gambling. I don't consume haram food. But are they enough?

There's so much you have to consider to be a real Moslem at heart. Have you kept your eyes from looking at improper things? Have you kept your mouth to from saying improper things. Have you kept your brain from thinking of improper things? Have you kept your heart from keeping improper things? How many orphans have you taken care? How many times do you repent for your sins in one day? How much have you allocated your money to those who really need it? How much energy have you allocated to help others who need you? Even to the point of how many times do you smile to others? How many people feel at ease with your existence?

It's so strange, that I'm afraid of God's wrath and punishment, but I'm still willing to do certain sins, even when I know that IT IS a sin. What's wrong with me? My faith and believe is not strong enough to avoid myself to do certain things?

My parents keep whining about how liberal I am on their eyes. How I'm so fond of consuming un-Islamic things like anime, comic, or western movie or un-Islamic songs and music rather than deepening my knowledge of Islam. Sometimes I think it's not fair. Since they keep demanding me to do those things, but do they really learn about Islam?

Even my father can't read Qur'an and haven't learnt about it seriously until now. While he's turning 51.  He kept saying, "I'm too old enough." and "I'm too tired." at least I have had you already to learn all of those. It's so hard to ask my mother to go to halaqah when I was still active in it (I don't do halaqah anymore).

And if I start complaining about things, both of them will offense me by questioning my observance. They keep questioning about my prays. Compared me to my sister, while I know that she's not that better from me. I mean. SHE IS DATING SOMEONE! And my parents let her be. How fair is that?! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Somehow I feel more unmotivated to do observance whenever I'm in home coz my parents keep criticizing about that! ARE THEY GOD? ARE THEY ANGEL?! HOW COULD THEY SAY HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE GOD WON'T ACCEPT MY OBSERVANCES WHATSOEVER???


I once lived with my oh-so-religious uncles and aunts in their city. I even skipped my own college graduation day, coz they won't let me go home. Am I being more religious after I'm spending my times with them? 

Maybe I got more knowledge than before. BUT I HATE THEM! I don't even want to see their faces anymore during Aid El Fitr. That supposed to be holy day for Moslem is torturing me now. I don't wanna see them. Last year I was staying at home, didn't wanna to see the rest of them. Not until they ask for apologize for real. I even had done it before so why can't they? Because they think they're perfect? Because they think they're richer? DAMN

Good. Now they're thinking they're much better than my family. Do they even realize what makes Lucifer was kicked out from heaven?

I'm tired. Deprived. Worn out.

I'm tired of how some my relatives think I don't deserve love.

My friends never treat me like that. And then my parents would say that because they don't know my nature for real. They keep saying my friends will instantly hate me if they stay with me for one day.

Am I that unloveable??? What did I do???

God though I keep hating myself, will you always love me? No matter how many sins I do and I regret, will you still keep in your path?

I'm used to pray about so many things after doing prays. Asking about more money, more love, more friends, more enjoyable things, more materially mundane things like those. But now, I only have one simple pray everyday:

"God...whatever and however I run my life, please let me die in Islam. Please keep this faith inside of me. Please please please. Please... Even though I'm still deeply keep this hatred towards my family, please let us meet in peace, no more hatred in the better place after love."

Not that I blame my family for my own sins. My own sin is my own sin. My own conscious is my own conscious. My choice is my choice. And my repentance is my repentance. I just don't wanna hate myself.

No more

It's hurt to hate yourself...

Really hurt...

When will I ever healed? 

Monday, October 13, 2014


Yep, the announcement result had just come. I got the award of most amazing background. Though I'm still huffing for not getting the 1st prize (hahahah how narcissistic I could be?), at least I'm still grateful than the last. And the fact the committee still appreciate my drawing pleases me. The most exciting is of course this drawing had delivered me a bunch of watchers. I could tell that some of them beginning to be a loyal watcher and always come back to my newest art. Gooooood thing ahaha

Also, this makes me become more confident in polishing my background drawing skill. I will draw with more complex background I promise. So I could open commission at DA finally :D

Yeeaaay, I'm so happy :D

Friday, October 10, 2014

72 Hours to Finish This Drawing

Hmm too tired to type anything. Just click the link below if you really want to know what does this artwork means XD

I'm joining a contest again. So basically after I finished the drawing in this picture on 30th September, I was going Spartan again to finish the drawing above on 5th September. The good thing of joining contests in DA is, mostly the committee are living abroad, in countries with a long long gap of time difference. Hehehehhe... So I basically finished the drawing in tomorrow morning of the deadline (6th September), which was 5th September at night in the committee's time area.

Now I'm just waiting for the result. Hopefully I'm lucky this time. Not like the last time. Grrrgggh. Still the committee haven't decided the winners yet. Which is could be a good thing, meant that they really try to judge it properly. Not like the previous contest I joined, in which the winner was announced 1 day after the contest ended. *fuck. As if they actually had already the winners on their minds. Urgh.

And now I still have 2 drawings to finish on 14th October. Plus 50 pages of translation for 14th October. Zzzzz... I do really have a busy happy life, don't I?


Friday, October 3, 2014

Just When The Result Comes...

OK, what do you think of the art above? Don't be shy. Just tell me what do you really think of this artwork? I'll consider it as a constructive criticism.

I'm so upset now. Heavily upset. The artworks above, I made it for a contest on DA. But I lost of course. That's why I'm upset. This posting would have different mood if I didn't. I wonder what's wrong with this artwork. I though I was doing a great job. The concept, the pose, the background, all of them were nearly killing me.

And to think that I spent almost a week to finish this one. So it was a week of insomnia. I almost died of sleep deprivation. Sigh... And to add the salt to the wound, just after I finished drawing this, my boss texted me, saying that I should have sent her the translated draft for her client. I was so surprised, thinking that it should be submitted the day after. She DID say I was given a week for the translation, and it means tomorrow. And I had not done it at all yet. And it was 30 pages of translation for my God's sake. Usually I will just sleep to recharge after I spent a lot of energy for an artwork (especially after contest). But that time I couldn't choose I have to finish 30 pages of translation for our dear customer. SHIT!

So I translated them in a rush, 30 pages for 2 days? I must have supernatural energy. So I added two days of insomnia for my poor body. It's done. And I wait for the payment now...

And the result has just been announced tonight. It was so FAST! So terribly fast. I mean, to think that you could judge that many entries just for one day??? And I'm sure she didn't mention that she had other judge besides her (maybe that's why I LOST hah). So it's personally 100% so subjective judgement. I'm sure that she only judge based on the level of cuteness. Bias cuteness! I think I will hate all the moe and loli things in the world now!!!

Take a look at the entries and the winner's entries here:

I always compared my works with other contestants, and I felt really confidence. Most of them just cute. Mine had a background story inside. I once said that my trait is I always inserted story background in my arts. And that what I was doing.

I'm really upset. To think that I lost to digital artworks again. But then I realized that the 2nd winner was done hers traditionally. In pencil color. Just like mine... Okay, Hers was smooth shading. Really smooth. And she could add "volume" in her background.

But...still! It's just cute. I dunno... I might be possessed by devil jealousy now. I sincerely hope that one of my watchers or just random viewers would question why I didn't get any place for the contest (did she win because she came from the same country of the owner of the contest???). Okay, Envy. Burn you to hell.

Well I just predicted that the 1st winner would get her prize. And had considered the 3rd winner as heavy competitor. I still couldn't understand about the 2nd winner. Hufff...

If only I would know that my luck would be terrible bad, I wouldn't try that harder. Even neglecting my real life was too much. I'm upset. Have I told you about this? I'M U-P-S-E-T! UPSET!

It's so ironic that all the contests I had won until now, I never spent more than 2 days to win it all. And just when I dedicated all of my hearts, I lost. Pfuuu... Life, you're SUCK.

But nothing I could do against it. Over is over. I will just train myself again and make the girl who neglected my works regretted it! HRRRAWWWRRR

Well actually the good things also comes after I posted the artworks. It gave me a bunch of new watchers. And one of them now becoming my internet buddy. Finally I have a net buddy from Finland! Yeeay! XD Many people commented there, and appreciated my works. So to entertain myself, I would say that my hard work had been paid off even the owner of the contestant didn't tehehehe

I wonder if she would read this posting in the future hehehehe...

Now I'm having contest marathons till November, I'm so busy in creating something. I will win them all! That's the spirit girl!