Monday, September 15, 2014

The Wedding Photographs...

I've just found out that my cousin has married her Christian boyfriend...

I have just seen their wedding photos in her social media. Yes, they are married in Christian ceremony. I saw my uncle was smiling in the photographs and I wonder what really in his mind at that time...

And I couldn't feel anything but churn in my stomach...

and nope me and my parents were not invited LOL. Even if we were, we couldn't come coz the ceremony was held in other island. So far from what we lived. I wonder... the only time she called her father was when she wanted to marry her boyfriend...

At least she still remember to ask for her father blessing...
at least she still remember that she still has a father...


We've been drifted apart for so long...

We were so close in our childhood. We often played together in holiday. She often stayed at my house. She was so imaginative so we often shared stories...

Despite the fact that my parents didn't actually like me to play with her. Saying the she was actually a sly kid who just used me for her advantage... And I was too naive to realize... I don't know... I only remember few of my past childhood.

But I remember how she "attacked" me with my other cousins (in physical fighting).

She always bragged about how popular she was in school. How brilliant she was in English. How she joined modern dance activity, and etc.

And I just keep listening, because I need a company. So if she was using me for her advantage (to get cakes from our grandmother since I'm her favorite grandchild) or etc, so maybe I was using her to ease my loneliness...

I don't know. Feelings weren't so complicated when we were so young...

The last time we contacted each other was when we both graduated from high school. Both of us were in Language Program class, though we enrolled in different school. My mother said she actually looked me down and envied me coz I was enrolled in a favorite school which is considered to have higher level than her. I really don't know.

Then I envied her of being so much livelier than me... Practically we're tied each other whenever holiday time come... But my parents always despised her, due to her upbringing, her trouble brother, etc...

I don't really understand even until now. Mom said once she made me stole some fruit from our neighbors then put all the blame to me (though most of my family chose to side with me coz they knew I was too innocent to have such a plan)... I wonder why it seems like I didn't have bright childhood times.

Why those exciting kid stories didn't work for me? Where's those fun childhood friends? Those fun cousins? Etc etc etc... It took long period for me to know and feel the word "FUN" for real in my teenage time...

After we both graduated, her mother divorced from my uncle. That was the first time I learnt the word "divorce" for real. And I didn't understand at that time. Nor I could feel emphatic towards her situation. What did I understand? My parents are a happy couple. None of my family have been divorced before... What should I do?

The only thing I know that her mother went with another man.

Once she told me that her mother tried to make her stole the house certificate from my uncle. Fortunately, despite how bad she was on my parents' eyes, my cousin still had clear mind to reject the request.

"I know that my mother was the one who is guilty in this case..." she told me...

I was speechless... What should I do? She then swayed the conversation towards other direction. Now that I'm thinking about it, how could she act so casual? How could she was still cheerful at the moment? Why did she tell me? Did she actually wish me to say something about it? Did she test my reaction? Did she want certain empathy from me?

I dunno...

Coz I was too busy with my own social life. With my unknown restlessness in school, and in everywhere... So I just sat, listened, and made my eyes wider after she told me the story...

Did that make me a jerk???

Now that I'm thinking about it, we were always close but maybe the reality was not like that. She never trusted me with her real feelings. She never shared her real feelings with me. She just told me the bright side of the story, expected me to be a loyal listener.

Did I hate her?
Do I hate her?

I dunno...

Coz we just shared the past memories together...

After we both graduated from high school, I continued my life by enrolling to an English Department of a favorite University. Still with my own problem. I was wore up psychologically. I had my own new environments, I had my own new friends, and my own new problems...

Basically we never be for each other. Have I ever told her about my loneliness? Don't remember. Maybe our childhood together was not that impressive...

I felt like she once told me that she wanted to get into a university. The fact I heard she was smart enough at school. But she never got into. It was because of her family problems. Now that her parents lived separately she had to choose. And seemed like she choose her mother. My uncle got married to another woman who had already a daughter... (the one that I felt much kinder and sincere).


And she lived in other island to work, the place where she met a Christian foreigner that is now becoming her husband.

My families were in such uproar coz they heard she lived with that man before even engaged. They said she dare to post her photos in bikini for public. And my families stamped her as a naughty girl...

Long times later, suddenly I felt I really care, then I asked her FB contact from my uncle. I got it. What my families said about her is true. She was so daring in those photographs. I contacted her, and seemed like she didn't forget about me. We had some long chat, and it felt like just when we were a kid...

I said I'm gonna draw my short story character after her. And she said she liked that idea... I was hoping I could approach her by online. That we could share and talked about our ideas no matter how different they were...

I still remembered how mad my father when he knew I friend her on FB. He said that will make my maternal family know about her. Know about her relationship with that Christian foreigner, and know how dare she was in those bikini photographs...

I was sad. But I'm still going with my own decision. I wanna friend her. I wanna to strengthen our ignored ties... I wanna.... I wanna.... I wanna touch her heart...

But my plan was broken. Something happened to me. I fell down and had to be hospitalized due to certain issues. And I had to fight my own condition during my final thesis... And suddenly the world was only about me. My problem had worn me out, I couldn't think about anybody else. I shut myself, tried to climb up once again.

Even until now I'm still fighting with my own condition. I could say that I'm much better now, I have to be very careful.

And that was the end of our story.

I didn't finish my short story, nor I didn't finish the drawing of her...


And looking at her wedding photos, I think, "Nothing I could do... As long as they are happy...



As long as they are happy?


Is that just enough?


We've been drifted away... so away....


I didn't want to judge her. It's her choice, and certain events including the painful ones had led her to choose this choice. I could say she had been working hard to be like this now (despite the news I heard that she only contacted my uncle when she needed money).... But who knows her heart? Do we have any right to judge her while seems like we never to be with her.


Is it time? Is it distance? Is it fate? Will our family ties still hold on?


I hope she is happy.

And I hope in the future, she would be happy in the way God will feel happy for her....


I wish... she still could get back


But how?


I don't have any idea...


So I wish you're happy, my cousin... You're so exotic on those wedding photographs...

Coz Words Are Not Enough...

I keep thinking the reason I draw.

Until this time, I've been quit drawing and write, I even join a local writer organization. I colored my college time by pursuing achievements in writing (mostly in fictions, I haven't got enough luck in non-fiction). I always dream myself to be writer. Coz simply I thought it would cost lesser times. And I could do other things as well if I just writing and not drawing.


But now... I often become so frustrated. I feel like words are not enough to convey what is in my mind... It's not enough... The scenes, the atmospheres, the story lines, scenes by scenes keep moving on inside my head like a rolling camera. And I can't help to convey it all by words, no matter how detail description I use, how many narration I make, and how many dialogues I speak through my pen.

It's just not enough...

So I start to draw again... until I'm satisfied...

Although... it would spend much more time....






How much sacrifice a person could do just to be "satisfied"???

DRAGGED...


I dunno since when I become so addicted to draw... I can't stop. I don't care about anything else. I just wanna draw till I dawn, even till die. But...

Isn't all of these just the copies of reality? Why am I so into it? But...

Is it wrong to be so passionate about what you like in your life?

But...is it OK to just shut off anything but draw?

Is it reality?

Is this reality really okay?

I don't wanna be messed up...

Not anymore...

I don't want to be drifted away from my real goal...

I've been dragged into my own Dark Neverland...

and I'll drag you with me!


:p 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Got The Third Place on The Mini Contest!!! XD




Well, last time I in this posting I've told you about how I struggle to finish the artwork above only for 48 hours and broke my own record :D

Did I win?

Did I win?
Did I win?

Well...honestly...a lot of people joining the contest. Maybe about 20 people? For a mini contest on Deviant Art, it's a real number, Dude! Sooo... after I'm waiting for this whole week finally they announce the result THIS NIGHT.


And....



I got the 3rd place! Hoooraaay? XD

Strangely I kinda got a premonition that I'll get third place >_< Kinda like a deja vu or something? So when I did my regular pray this afternoon suddenly I remembered this contest (weeell...I know I shouldn't think about anything else whenever I'm doing regular pray...my bad :p :p), and I was worried that I won't get any place. I was highly confident actually. But as time went by my confidence level dropped. Especially after my mum chose other artwork as her favorites when I showed her the gallery of entries >n<...

So... while I was doing my regular pray a sudden thought passed by, "Maybe I'll at least got the third place?"

And IT'S TRUE! AND THAT WHAT MAKES IT LITTLE SCARY! (do I have certain 6th sense power??? LOL)


Well if you ask me whether it's worthy considering the amount of time I spent for finishing the artwork... Well...it depends on...


My father might be just snorted and said, "Only get that???"


DUH...


But I guess it's a good step forward for me, that some people miles away across the ocean are rather choose my artwork among the others to win the 3rd place. I'll have to be grateful. And the most important, I have to train my skill more, so more people will acknowledge my art (including my own dearly parents...pfff). I have to train my pencil color artwork, so it could be compete against those digital artworks (the first place and the second place were done digitally, and they're really smooth and good...)

Well...this is the second time I win something from Deviant Art... (hey, when was the first? I'll tell you later xD)


So I guess... VIVA DEVIANT DAYS :D


More competitions I plan to enter, I hope I'll have the luck just like this one, probably better?


Thank you God! Thank you Fleur! Thank you the judges! 




Monday, August 18, 2014

What I Hate

Since I'm being a shut in, I often felling hurt for not a really significant reason every time I open my Facebook...

I hate people I know who likes to post their GPA on FB. Saying that they're cum laude, got straight A, whatever.

I never did that though I've got some A's. Posting your GPA feels like you wanna show to others that you're much smarter than the rest...on paper.

I also hate when someone being lovey-dovey on FB. That's stupid, ridiculous, and makes people want to think since when you turn to be an exhibitionist. LOL...

I hate it...

When I finally posting my artworks on FB, many friends like it and comment how they miss me.

LOL...

What a sweet lip-service.

I also hate my parents who always make me as if I'm not worthy enough. How they never appreciate my achievements... I hate them...

Welcome to the dark side of me.

I think I need to produce more artworks so I'll be lighten up a bit.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

48 Hours Draw (Breaking My Own Record!!!)

Fleur and Yumiko, the OCs of some artists in Deviant Art. Seems like they are a real couple in the real life

I draw this picture, only for about 48 hours! Precisely I started drawing from 14th August, 10.00 p.m till today's 09.00 a.m. I felt like I was possessed to draw that fast (it is considered pretty rapid for me who's really slow at drawing that sometimes I could even need months and years to finish one piece of artwork!)

This is drawn by using reference. Of course with many modifications as usual. When I started drawing the cats, then all the fun began! XD I don't wanna to make the couple alone just by themselves anyway. It's like my own personal policy to keep my arts still PG 13+ and under hahaha :D (I could say that this is my most intimate pose... that's why we need those cats around ahaha)

I have to draw many straight lines here oh my...(and finally I use my ruler to the max!). Also Iadd so many objects there. After I finished them all this morning, I felt like my right fingers went numb and felt like I have to sleep for days to recharge!

Basically I'm both relieved and quite satisfied with the result, yet the grainy looks on all over place makes me want to mourn X(

I really want to create a smooth arts using my pencil color someday. Ugh! Have to train more!

Well, so now I have to start pray and cross my fingers so I'll be the winner and get the prize as well ahahah :D I really want to show to my family that I could get something from my own art :D

Wish me luck guyz!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

WIP I'm Doing Now



Yep, now I'm drawing a fanart of CLAMP's X/1999 Dragons of Earth and one training doodle featuring Rayvision's OCs: Himiko and Momo Tsugunaga. Yeah, SHUT UP AND DRAW! DRAW OR DIE! DRAW TILL DAWN! XD XD XD